


might as well fall in

by orangesicles



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, this is just taejun in love but too scared to talk about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:14:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24618925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangesicles/pseuds/orangesicles
Summary: "sometimes i can't sleep alone," yeonjun says, voice dropped like it's a secret."that's okay," taehyun smiles a little. it's forced, but he's trying. yeonjun's fingers draw patterns against his skin where his t-shirt has ridden up at the base of his spine, and it's near impossible to think. "i don't like sleeping alone either."yeonjun pouts. "but you're sogoodat it. being alone, i mean."taehyun's eyes burn with tears all of a sudden, stupid,peskythings that come out of nowhere these days. he wills them away, and says, "only because i have to be."
Relationships: Choi Yeonjun/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 31
Kudos: 233





	might as well fall in

**Author's Note:**

> hi! did not have anyone beta this so there might be some mistakes. this is my first txt fic so pls be nice <3 the taejun community is deprived. hopefully this helps a bit.

falling in love with yeonjun is easy. it's come and go, hand in hand with everything else that taehyun experiences in his day to day life. falling in love with him is the sweaty exhaustion after a dance practice, limbs so tired all the ice in the world won't help. falling in love with him is the various vocal warm-ups they partake in, voice lilting through studios and offices and their own dorm room. it's the way that soobin always eats the last container of ramen even though he promises to save it for hueningkai, the way that beomgyu swears he's not afraid of aengdu but won't step foot near his terrarium. it's the things that are always there without fail, the things that don't even require a second thought. 

so taehyun looks at yeonjun, sees how his face splits into a smile at something ridiculous beomgyu says during practice, hand brushing through his yellow-white hair, and ignores the way that his heart flutters. doesn't pay it any mind. because this is normal for him, happens all the time, and he's learned to shove the butterflies deep down until they don't really burn anymore. a smile creeps to his own face, and he ducks his head, eyes sparkling, because yeonjun is cute despite everything. and that is the one and only thing that he will never quite get used to. 

"taehyun, you listening?"

"hm?" his head snaps up, and he makes eye contact with soobin who's staring at him pointedly. "no, sorry. what'd you say?"

a heavy sigh falls from soobin's mouth, and he shakes his head. it's clear he's tired from practice, t-shirt practically sticking to his abdomen as he plops down onto the hardwood floor. "i said, we need someone to walk to the convenience store and grab us some water. it's your turn."

oh," taehyun blinks, "okay-"

"i'll go," yeonjun raises his hand up, and before taehyun can protest, adds, "i don't mind. i want to pick out some snacks for later, anyway."

so it's settled. yeonjun grabs his wallet and heads off, and the other four sit in their respective resting spots in the practice room that might as well have their names taped to them by now, quiet for a moment. they're relatively good at reading the room, and when one of them seems as though he wants silence, the others oblige. today, it's like that. taehyun's in his head, more soft-spoken than usual, and the others respect that as they scroll through social media, content to give him his peace.

he wonders what might have happened if he'd asked to go to the store with yeonjun. no one would have bat an eye, think it unusual, and taehyun could have gotten some quality time alone with him. he's not sure that it would have meant anything in the long run. the conversation most likely would have stayed lax. and taehyun is too chicken shit to start something he can't finish, so that would have been that. but he'd still be thinking about yeonjun's lips, and the way that his smile starts in his eyes first, and how it might feel to hold his hand. he'd still be thinking about these things, and maybe that's worst of all. because he can push down the butterflies, but the longing never disappears. 

these kind of thoughts are sticky and warm, heavy against taehyun's shoulders, shoving against the spaces between his ribs. they're not recent or new, nor is yeonjun's presence, but taehyun is starting to feel disheartened all the same. 

because yeonjun always says goodnight to him, peeks down from atop his bunk to blow him a little air kiss. always makes sure to get taehyun extra snacks even when he doesn't ask, and hides them where the other members won't find them. he's good at making others feel good, feel  _ known,  _ and taehyun wonders if that's just a yeonjun thing, or if it's a yeonjun-with-taehyun thing. perhaps he's too scared to find out the answer.

he's content with not knowing, for now.

so he sits in his corner of the practice room, phone held tight in his hand as his knees come up to his chest, and resides to playing a mobile game. it's yeonjun's favorite, and taehyun imagines the huge grin the older man gets after he finishes a level. it's the small things that burrow themselves in the crevices of his mind. he can't dig them out, doesn't know that he wants to, so he settles, and tells himself that that's good enough for the time being.

–

falling in love with yeonjun was not quiet. taehyun remembers how it had felt, solely taking over his body and mind, seeping into every single thing that he did. but now, the way that he feels is not particularly loud anymore, shroud under blankets of a heavy persona. his feelings have faded from fiery and uncontrollable to something gradual, subtly getting stronger, and maybe that's preventable too, though taehyun doesn't want it to be. he's not ashamed of the way that he feels. just scared. and if yeonjun were more observant, less oblivious and obtuse, he might have caught on a long time ago. could save taehyun from an awkward confession in the long run.

taehyun finishes cleaning up aegndu's terrarium, takes a shower, and settles down on their newly bought couch to watch a movie. he can hear beomgyu in one of the bedrooms bickering with hueningkai about a game they're playing, while soobin fries something up in the kitchen (probably ramen). yeonjun is nowhere to be seen, has been missing in action for about thirty minutes, but taehyun thinks he remembers him grabbing his card before leaving the dorm, meaning he probably walked somewhere to buy something. 

sighing, he settles into the couch cushions, tugging the throw blanket from the back over his legs. comparable to the times he needs to be alone, there are also times when he doesn't, and he so badly wishes he had company right about now. he almost calls out for soobin, knows the older man is always up for a film, but soobin's listening to soft music, humming to himself as he cooks, and taehyun doesn't want to interrupt. so he finds a movie on netflix and presses play, trying to immerse himself as much as possible, and it's manageable, for a little while. it takes some time, but he's able to get rather into it, only half hearing the front door click open right as the plot is getting good.

something cold gets pressed to the back of his neck, and he startles, turning around to see yeonjun staring down at him, big grin on his face. he's got an ice cold caramel macchiato in his hand that he holds out to taehyun. 

"god, you scared me," the younger man says, and then, carefully taking the drink, "thanks."

"welcome," yeonjun shrugs. he's only got one other coffee in his hand. he's sipping out of the straw obnoxiously, cheeks hollowed as he does. he didn't get the others anything. taehyun must look confused, because yeonjun hurries to say, "you wanted a caramel macchiato the other day but beomgyu screwed up your order, and i know you were disappointed even though you pretended not to be, so. i got you one."

"oh," taehyun blinks up at him. doesn't know what to say. he gingerly brings the straw up to his mouth to take a drink, and then pats the spot next to him on the sofa. "wanna watch this with me?"

yeonjun looks from taehyun to the television screen, and then smiles softly. "i've seen it before. but sure."

he rounds the couch to take a seat next to taehyun, and it's not at the opposite corner, not on the next square over, but pressed right up to the younger man's side. he reaches for the throw blanket and drapes it over the both of them, his own coffee still cradled in one hand. 

and it's only then that taehyun realizes that it's the small things that matter most, the small things all compiled together that make something earth-shattering. because yeonjun is the type of guy who just gets noticed in everything that he does, whether it be smiling just a tad bit wider at fans, or putting his all into a new dance that they're working on. it's impossible not to look at him and really  _ see,  _ impossible not to love him for what he is. and when people notice him, and they inevitably do, they don't go back to not noticing. maybe that's why it feels so good to have all of his attention, to have his company.

yeonjun bumps his free hand against taehyun's thigh, brushing until their pinkies knock together. it's fast, could be passed off as an accident, but then in the same breath, he intertwines them, just the pinkies. and it's so fucking tender that it physically  _ aches. _ he moves with a nature that is overtly cautious; so gentle and endearing. taehyun's heart jumps into his throat, one half-breath away from leaping out of his mouth. and it's the way that yeonjun's face flushes after he does it, the subtle blush that paints the apples of his cheeks pink that reminds taehyun of the small things. it's always the gradual things that do the most damage in the long run.

taehyun takes a big gulp of his coffee to distract himself. it doesn't really work. and the movie continues to play and the ice in their drinks continues to melt and taehyun's heart continues to beat so fast it hurts. 

yeonjun looks at him and whispers, "you okay?" 

taehyun nods. he's not a liar, isn't very good at it, but he lies in the subtle up-down of his head. lies in the way that his neck feels hot and his ears burn. he lies. he wonders if yeonjun sees through it, but then the older man's pinkie sort of tightens, their hands shifting until their palms are pressed flat together, and yeonjun intertwines the rest of their fingers.

and just for a moment, taehyun stops thinking altogether. 

–

"hyung," taehyun sighs, climbing into soobin's bottom bunk alongside him. he's not often the one to initiate touch first, but soobin looks so warm in his big hoodie with the comforter pulled over his lap, and taehyun just needs a hug. "how do you know if you're in love?"

soobin tugs back the blankets so that taehyun can crawl beneath them, and lets the younger man sidle up next to him, throwing an arm around his waist. "how do you  _ not  _ know?" he counters. 

taehyun glares at him. "i'm serious."

"i'm serious, too," soobin huffs. he tightens his grip on taehyun, hand splaying across his stomach. it's comforting in a way that not many people besides soobin have the ability to be. "if you're in love with someone, there's no questioning it. it should just  _ be.  _ you can't think,  _ 'maybe i love them.'  _ love doesn't have time for maybes, hyunnie."

he hums, taking in soobin's words. and it's not that he's unsure of his feelings for yeonjun– he knows what he wants and his heart has never strayed– but it's nice to hear soobin confirm as much, in his own way. 

he gets jostled a bit as soobin glances down at him. "talking about anyone in particular?"

taehyun nods. he doesn't want to lie anymore, not about this, and especially not to soobin. "yeah."

"you wanna tell me who it is?"

"not until i tell him first."

soobin smiles so soft it aches in the tender parts of taehyun's heart, and he squeezes the younger man's waist. "okay. 'm proud of you."

and it means everything, in that moment. soobin's proud of him, and that's enough for taehyun to drag in a big breath and just exist for a little while. he closes his eyes, curled up to soobin's side, face buried in his hoodie. and he thinks of his friends, how much they care for him, and he thinks of yeonjun too, who is roped into the friend category but also gets one of his very own, and the butterflies swarm his stomach again with a presence that demands to be heard, stronger each and every time. regardless of what happens, he has people who care for him. he's reminded in every single thing that he does.

a big yawn escapes his mouth before he can help it. he tucks it into the fabric of soobin's hoodie, and smiles a little as the older man chuckles.

"you must be sleepy," he says.

taehyun hums, nodding.

"well," soobin gives a gentle push at the space between taehyun's shoulders, against the top of his back. "sleepy or not, you can't sleep here. there's not enough room for two people to get comfortable, little baby."

as petulant as it may be, taehyun whines, clinging to soobin for as long as he can until he inevitably gets shoved out of the bed. 

"can i sleep in beomgyu's bed, then? i don't wanna go back to my own room right now," he asks soobin.

beomgyu then pokes his head out of the top bunk, fluffy hair flopping in front of his eyes as he calls out a blunt, "no."

taehyun startles. "you've been up there the whole time?"

"yep."

"you heard..everything?"

"uh huh."

"oh," taehyun blinks. he feels sick to his stomach all of a sudden but unsure why. perhaps he just wasn't prepared for anyone besides soobin to find out about his crush on a man. he hasn't exactly spoken much about his sexuality. doesn't know how to begin that conversation. "are you– well, just-"

"i love you, taehyun," beomgyu cuts him off, fond smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "okay?"

and it is. okay, that is. for now. taehyun nods, cheeks flushed, and ducks his head as he fights back a smile and exits their bedroom. he's got the most supportive friends in the entire world. he doesn't even know why he gets nervous around them anymore. 

though his own bedroom isn't appealing because that's where yeonjun resides at the moment, he sucks it up and heads back there anyway. it's not easy to face problems head on, but he doesn't like thinking of yeonjun as one of those. it's just these feelings– not as much confusing as they are scary– that make his hands shake. he acknowledges them, knows they exist and doesn't hate them, isn't ashamed of them, but they could ruin his friendship, ruin his  _ career. _ he doesn't want that.

he pushes open his bedroom door, and sees yeonjun sitting on the top bunk with hueningkai right next to him, playing some card game balanced on a stack of pillows. and the older man smiles as he gently shoves hueningkai's shoulder, makes to push him off the bed before jerking him back in by his shirt, and they're giggling so happily that taehyun just stands and watches for a moment, because there's no  _ way  _ his romantic feelings could ruin this. not something so pure, so fucking happy. he's crazy for thinking that anything could come between the bond that they all share.

the two of them notice him staring, laughter dying down slowly. yeonjun moves to the edge of the bunk, leaning over so that his torso is hanging off haphazardly. he reaches out to ruffle taehyun's hair, smile wide, lips pink and shiny and pretty.

"hyunnie," he says, "wanna play this card game with us?"

taehyun grins fondly, cheeks hurting. the sun peeks in through their lone, bedroom window. "is there room for me up there?"

hueningkai scoots into the corner and makes a show of it, as yeonjun nods and says, "yeah. always."

so he climbs the ladder to the top bunk, sitting criss-crossed between his best friends, and exists alongside them until the sky turns vehement orange. he’s breathless from laughing so much. and times like this, he thinks, are truly incomparable. 

–

promotions. another variety show. another trip here, there, watching as the hours pass and the skyline turns a smudy pink, clouds reminiscent of cotton candy. taehyun sits in the back of the van next to hueningkai, and presses his cheek to the cool, glass window. it's hot this time of year. sighing, taehyun presses the button to roll it down, eyes falling shut as traffic whirs, loud around rush hour. seoul is stifling in this kind of heat, causing a sheen of sweat to break out on the back of his neck. 

his body hurts. from the slew of performances, probably, no breaks when it comes time for comeback promotions. if it's not three hour practices, it's rehearsals under heavy stage lighting that casts their shadows long and dark across the flooring. he didn't sleep well last night, twisting and turning until his bedsheets got tangled round his legs, and he gave up with stress-induced tears and resigned to watching a movie on his phone to distract himself.

hueningkai taps his shoulder. it's gentle, paired with a small smile. he turns a little in his seat to face him, notices that the younger man has changed into a hoodie and sweats, black hair resting fluffy atop his head. there's leftover makeup on his face from the performance, smudged eyeshadow rimmed black around his brown eyes, and rosy blush tinting his cheeks, though taehyun supposes the heat has probably contributed to that as well. 

"you okay?" he asks. it's quiet enough that soobin and yeonjun in the row ahead don't hear, and beomgyu is knocked out to their right– has been since they pulled out of the venue parking lot. 

"yeah," he says. his voice is hoarse from the singing, the talking, the laughing. the crying, though that happened last night. he's not even sure why. he doesn't cry often. "i'm okay."

"you just look like you're spaced out," hueningkai shrugs. he rests a hand on taehyun's belly over the older man's t-shirt, fingers pressing against the fabric to rub soothingly at his abdomen. kai is touchy more often than not, and they've all grown used to it. his touch is more than welcome at this point. 

"didn't sleep well," taehyun says, and that's true. he ducks his head, hides his eyes because he doesn't want hueningkai to see the  _ something else  _ behind his irises and ask why. yeonjun's got his headphones in, blocking out surrounding noise, and it'd be so easy to admit that taehyun's been having these hyper realistic dreams the past few nights that involve yeonjun confessing to him, or rejecting him, calling him disgusting, or laughing in his face. kissing his lips. the content of the dreams are less important than the feeling they evoke, and it's all the same; uneasiness. 

"yeah, i noticed you were on your phone when i went to use the bathroom at god knows what hour," hueningkai muses. he slumps down in the seat to rest his cheek against taehyun's shoulder, and yawns. "you should sleep now, if you can. still quite a drive back to the dorm. we can take a nap together."

taehyun thinks a nap with kai might be just what he needs if he can shake the way his stomach feels like it's going to fall through the floor of the van. he's so sleep deprived that he almost feels like he's standing outside of his own body, a disconnected bystander who's watching his struggles, reluctant to intervene and help. god, does taehyun need help. and what's worse is that hueningkai keeps looking up at him with these big eyes, head still half propped on his shoulder like he's just begging to be confided in. yet, taehyun can't find it in himself to take the leap.

he resigns to looking out the window, bottom lip tugged between his teeth. hueningkai stills, is quiet for a long while, and taehyun thinks he's fallen asleep until he speaks again.

"you talk in your sleep, you know. recently, at least."

taehyun freezes, blood running cold. there's this certain, knowing tone to the younger man's voice that he absolutely despises. his hands are shaking, and he shoves them between his thighs to hide them. his heart is beating so fast it almost sends him spiraling, breath shallow, throat clogged with something thick. he can't speak, can't do anything besides stare holes in the back of yeonjun's head, and wonder how the hell he's going to get himself out of this one, because hueningkai doesn't even have to tell him what he says when he's unconscious. he knows. 

"don't worry, i don't think he's heard you," the younger man continues, voice dropped so low the hum of the car would hide it even if yeonjun weren't wearing headphones. "he's a pretty heavy sleeper. but it's only a matter of time, hyunnie."

taehyun thinks about the pressure; the comeback, the interviews, the industry as a whole. thinks about the jokes, how they're always joking, and how he uses them as a mask. but the dreams are becoming too real to ignore, and he's so damn tired of swallowing down his feelings so that they sit like concrete in his stomach. because the soft touches, the coffee orders, the air kisses before bed– they were all in good fun but they're not anymore. taehyun can't keep turning a blind eye to the way he wants to kiss yeonjun so goddamn bad it aches in his fucking bones. 

hueningkai sits up. presses his hot, damp palms to taehyun's cheeks. and it should be gross because he's sweaty, but taehyun's too busy freaking out to care. then he smiles, small and certain, and looks into taehyun's eyes. 

he says, "get out of your head. we'll all love you no matter what."

the words send a cataclysm down taehyun's spine. he wants to believe them so, so badly. so he nods, blinking away tears, and refuses to let himself collapse. 

–

yeonjun calls for him one night. it's late, probably nearing three or four in the morning, and taehyun's cloudy brain insists he's dreaming until he hears his name again, louder this time coming from the top bunk. he's only half awake, yeonjun's voice having roused him, and he's not even mad despite this being the first night he's actually dozed off peacefully. he'll take loss of sleep for the older man. has been doing so for a long time now.

taehyun groans, limbs cracking as he sits up and fists tiredness from his eyes. he can't find his voice for a bit, throat scratchy and jaw hinged tight, so he makes a little sound to let yeonjun know that he's awake. 

"i can't sleep," yeonjun tells him, "and it's storming."

so it is. taehyun hadn't noticed at first, but now he hears the rain smacking against asphalt outside their window, thunder rumbling low in the distance. he's never been a fan of storms, especially not after dark, but he doesn't ever remember  _ yeonjun _ being scared of them. perhaps this is a new development. 

carefully so as not to wake hueningkai who's sleeping in his single bed across the room, taehyun gets up, and makes for the ladder. yeonjun instinctively scoots over to give him space, and he climbs beneath the blankets next to him. 

"we have practice really early," he says, voice gruff with sleep. and then, "you need to rest."

"says you," yeonjun whispers, hand coming up to swipe under taehyun's eyes. "you've got dark circles. it's like you haven't slept in weeks."

"maybe i haven't," taehyun replies.

yeonjun's hand drops from his face, arm snaking beneath the blankets to encircle his waist. the touch sends needles to the small of taehyun's back, right where the older man's palm rests. and it aches in a way that taehyun deserves, because yeonjun had called him up here for comfort, and all he's thinking about is how pretty he looks with the moon casting shadows on his face as the rain acts as music in the background. he deserves the uneasiness, because he  _ brought  _ it upon himself. maybe it's true that people can't help who they fall in love with. but god, taehyun thinks, it could have been anyone but  _ him.  _ anyone else would have been easier to write off. to get over.

because yeonjun is not the type of person you go back to not noticing. 

"sometimes i can't sleep alone," the older man says, voice dropped like it's a secret taehyun shouldn't dare reveal to anyone. 

"that's okay," taehyun smiles a little. it's forced, but he's trying. yeonjun's fingers draw patterns against his skin where his t-shirt has ridden up at the base of his spine, and it's near impossible to think. "i don't like sleeping alone either."

yeonjun pouts. "but you're so  _ good  _ at it. being alone, i mean."

taehyun's eyes burn with tears all of a sudden, stupid,  _ pesky  _ things that come out of nowhere these days. he wills them away, and says, "only because i have to be."

yeonjun's eyelids flutter, brows pinched as he shakes his head as best he can with one cheek still pressed into his pillow. his bottom lip is jutting out, mouth turned down into a small grimace that looks incredibly out of place on him. the pads of his fingers press warm into taehyun's skin. 

"you don't have to be," he says earnestly, eyes a little too big, a little too pretty. "who told you that?"

instead of answering, taehyun shuts his eyes. he can't bear to look at yeonjun right now, afraid that something stupid might come out of his mouth. it's too late at night or too early in the morning, the time when brain filters sort of fizzle out, and people spew secrets left and right. and taehyun is the type to spill; might say something like,  _ 'i have to be alone because i can't stand being around you. i have to be alone because every time i'm close to you, i think about kissing you.'  _ because being alone is better than fucking up detrimentally. 

"let's just sleep," taehyun murmurs, throat scratchy. yeonjun's arm tightens around his waist, and it feels like a brand against his skin. he doesn't know how long he can stand the sweltering heat, the fiery touch. it burns his flesh, stirs up the butterflies in his belly until his body is nothing but skin and bones and calamity buried deep. and here's yeonjun, all big eyes and pouty lips and long fingers determined to dig it up. taehyun is one pressure point away from letting him. 

"i don't know what to say to you sometimes," comes yeonjun's reply. he's completely disregarded taheyun's suggestion it seems, but his voice is thick with something– worry, perhaps– like he needs to get it out or it'll choke him. "i look at you, and i think,  _ 'god, he needs someone to  _ see  _ him. actually see him.'  _ and i try, but you don't let me in, hyunnie."

and now taehyun is the one who doesn't know what to say. his chest hurts, pressure pushing against it like his ribcage is collapsing in on itself. yeonjun places a hand on his cheek, startling his eyes open. and the older man looks at him like he's searching for something in the deep browns of them that he's terrified he'll never find. 

_ "talk  _ to me," he pleads, desperate whine seeping into his words that shake and warble as they fly off his tongue. "please. you're not you right now, taehyun."

shame seeps down taehyun's spine like ice water, needles prickling into his skin at the feel of it. he says, "i can't talk about this with you. i can't."

yeonjun frowns, startling a bit. there's a flash of confusion, quickly replaced by genuine hurt. and this is not right, this is not how taehyun meant for it to happen. the last thing he wants is to see yeonjun in pain, and at his hand no less. but he doesn't know how to explain himself without literally confessing his love at four in the goddamn morning, and the tears are back, hot and heavy as they leak down his cheeks.

yeonjun catches them with his thumb, swiping them away with a gentle sigh. "you're my best friend, taehyun. there's nothing you can't tell me."

taehyun sits up, shoving the covers away from him, watching as yeonjun's hand drops to the mattress and bounces a little. he tucks his knees up to his chest, face buried in his hands as the storm outside picks up. and he thinks the lightning crackling at that exact moment is so very fucking fitting. thinks that the rain must know how he feels. 

"hey," yeonjun sits up with him, reaching out to place his hand atop taehyun's knee. "it's okay."

except it's not. it's not okay because this is taehyun and yeonjun, yeonjun and taehyun. best friends, group members, roommates, everything. everything except the one thing taehyun wants them to be. and he thinks of the dreams he's been having, raw and startling, enough to shake him up and make him sweat. and he thinks of hueningkai's words, and beomgyu's too. the  _ 'i love you,'s _ that always ring so true. he thinks of soobin holding him close and in a sense promising forever. he thinks of all that he has– everything that he has become– and all that he has to  _ lose.  _

because it wouldn't hurt as much if he had nothing.

taehyun is the bend without breaking type. the kind of person to put himself through hell if it means seeing happiness in his friends and family. but yeonjun tugs his hands away from his face, ducks his head down so that they're forced to make eye contact, and it's the telling gleam in his iris, the guarantee of forever, that finally breaks taehyun in two. 

he surges forward so fast their foreheads knock together with enough force to make him go dizzy. but there's this creeping want in his veins that he can't stifle, and yeonjun winces at the collision but welcomes it a second time, lips parted as their mouths slot together. and suddenly it doesn't matter that this could ruin everything, because yeonjun stills for a quarter of a second before he's kissing taehyun back with fervor. and the rest of the world slips away.

it's suffocating. taehyun's hands are clammy, palms shaky as he reaches up to press them against the back of yeonjun's neck, keeping him close. there's a blush high on his cheeks– he can feel it, knows it's quickly spreading to his ears– but the moon does well to conceal it under a gentle blanket of blue-ivory light. the kissing feels like it burns everywhere, another brand that taehyun will have etched into his skin come morning. he'll look himself over in the mirror and see his mouth, and remember the way yeonjun's feels.

a hand in his hair breaks him out of his head for a moment. it sweeps strands back from his forehead, and then slides around to the nape of his neck, grabbing hold. the older man gives a little tug, pulls taehyun's head back just the slightest to get a better angle, and then it's white behind the eyes. fireworks beneath closed lids. it's a little desperate from both ends, though taehyun's not sure how much of it he's imagining, versus what's actually real. 

the other hand that comes up to rest on his hip is very grounding. the slick slide of their mouths is reassuring. yeonjun hums low in the back of his throat, a gentle, appeased sound, and taehyun's stomach swoops. this kind of kiss, kissing, kisses– it's something that is to be remembered. dream yeonjun kissed well, had big pretty lips and round eyes to match. but this yeonjun, the  _ real  _ one sitting right in front of him with a hand in his hair, teeth tugging at his bottom lip– this yeonjun is the one he wants to keep close. 

he only jerks himself away when he hears shuffling from hueningkai's side of the room. his chest is rising and falling fast, breaths tumbling out of his mouth as he tries to calm himself down. his hands are shaking as he brings them to his lap. he hides them beneath a pillow. always, always hides them. 

when hueningkai rolls over in his sleep but doesn't actually wake up, yeonjun reels in taehyun's attention once more by sweeping a thumb over the younger man's bottom lip. the movement draws their eyes together, and it's only by looking very carefully does taehyun see the pink blush sitting high atop the apples of yeonjun's cheeks. he's smiling a softly, lips bitten cherry red, and the easiness of it is a good look on him. though, most things are. 

"you're not mad," taehyun manages to say. it's meant to be a question, but doesn't come out as one.

"no," yeonjun shakes his head. "i'm not mad."

taehyun blinks. "and..you kissed me back."

"i did," yeonjun nods. his smile widens just a tad, like he thinks taehyun's utter bewilderment is a little funny.

"i don't know what to think," taehyun whispers, more to himself than to the older man. 

yeonjun hums. he reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind taehyun's ear, though it's too short and doesn't stay for long. there's something in his touch that taehyun has never felt before– a tenderness that hides in the lifelines of his palm, and the creases of his fingers; the kind that doesn't reveal itself to just anyone. 

"don't think for now," he murmurs, placid, "just sleep."

so taehyun settles back against the pillows that smell like the shampoo yeonjun uses, and tucks himself beneath the blankets once more. when yeonjun sidles up next to him this time, it's much closer than before, and taehyun buries his nose into the curve of the older man's neck, hands finding purchase in the front of his shirt, making fists of the fabric. yeonjun holds to him tightly, arm secure around his waist, and places a gentle kiss into the mess that is taehyun's hair just before they both close their eyes. 

and for the first time in weeks, with the rain acting as a song, lulling them into a gentle sleep as the sky cries and cries, taehyun doesn't dream. 

–

they don't talk about it initially. it's not for lack of want to. their schedules get incredibly busy, and it isn't until a week after promotions end that they find the time.  _ the time  _ being a movie night with the five of them crammed onto the sofa and in front of it, stacks of pillows and blankets tossed onto the floor. beomgyu and hueningkai have just gotten back from the store with bags of snacks and drinks tucked beneath their arms, and they hand them out to the others before taking their spots in front of the couch. taehyun hadn't intended to sit next to yeonjun– he's been nervous in his presence recently for obvious reasons– but the older man veers up next to him like he wouldn't rather sit anywhere else. 

so it goes taehyun, yeonjun, and soobin on the sofa, and hueningkai and beomgyu on the floor in front of them. the movie starts, the intro to some mundane drama rolling, and taehyun only half pays attention as he munches on dried fruit and curls into the arm of the couch. 

he tries not to glance over at yeonjun too much. doesn't want to seem suspect. he reasons that he probably does, anyway. hueningkai keeps turning around to smile at him in a way that the younger probably thinks is inconspicuous. it's really very not. 

taehyun finishes his snacks and reaches for the throw blanket, tossing it over his lap. yeonjun tugs at it after it's splayed out, glimmer in his eyes.

he asks, "share it with me? i'm kind of cold."

so taehyun does, though he knows that yeonjun is more warm blooded than the rest of them; that he doesn't get cold easily. he shares the blanket, tries not to bristle when yeonjun's hand gently brushes against his thigh as he pulls it toward himself. his hands curl into fists, nails digging into his palms as his eyes stay solely trained on the movie still playing. 

_ don't get distracted,  _ he tells himself.  _ now is not the time.  _

because as much as he wants to talk to yeonjun about the other night, he wants to do it when it's just the two of them, private and small and real. he'll wait until the movie finishes, wait until the others retire to bed. he'll manage to keep yeonjun out here with him. will somehow keep him awake. 

but then his eyes get heavy halfway through the film. it's his own fault; he's not been sleeping regularly. he yawns big and wide, tries so desperately to keep his gaze focused, but the picture blurs in and out, and the audio fades into the background soon after he rests his head against the back of the couch. he's only partially asleep, that in between where the world doesn't seem quite real and sensory is dulled, but he can't get his eyes to open back up no matter how much he tries. and so he gives in to the exhaustion with the throw blanket tugged over his lap, and the movie playing and playing.

he's roused by beomgyu, standing over him, hand on his shoulder as he shakes him gently. 

"come on, hyunnie," the older says, voice soft and low. "time for bed."

taehyun scrubs tiredness from his eyes as he sits up, neck aching from how he'd slept on it. the livingroom is empty save for the two of them, but there's a light still on in the kitchen. his eyes follow it. quietly, he asks, "is everyone else asleep?"

beomgyu trails his gaze. stalls, just for a moment. "yeah, or getting ready for bed. except yeonjun. he's making cookies."

a smile finds its way to taehyun's face before he can help it. "cookies? it's kind of late for that, isn't it?"

"he said he really wanted some cookies," beomgyu shrugs. his eyes are alight, matching taehyun's smile in that sense. "i'm going to bed. don't fall asleep on the couch, okay? it's not good for your back."

and then he leaves, and the exit of his presence is almost like the permission that taehyun has been waiting for for  _ days.  _ he gets up from the couch, limbs a little stiff, mind a little groggy, and stretches. arms raised above his head, spine popping. yeonjun is in the kitchen making cookies; unusual of him considering he's an awful baker to begin with, and he's not the type to stay up late either. 

taehyun's hands begin to shake. he shoves them into the pockets of his sweats, and heads toward the light.

yeonjun startles when he clears his throat softly, leaning against the doorway, but doesn't really seem all that surprised to see him. he pauses what he's doing– mixing ingredients together in a big glass bowl– and smiles so soft it's barely there at all. 

"you're up awfully late," taehyun muses. "making..cookies."

yeonjun hums. turns back to the counter as he keeps mixing the batter. "yeah. wasn't super tired."

taehyun doesn't say anything for a long moment. he takes in the way that yeonjun's hair is fluffed up in the back as if he, too, had been using the sofa as a headrest as he slept. the way his cheeks are a little red, a bit flushed as they typically tend to be when he's just woken up. he gets hot in his sleep. sweats sometimes. taehyun knows this.

with intention, he says, "that isn't true."

yeonjun stops what he's doing once again, turning to look at him. his face is cool, stony and hard to read. "what?"

and it's the memories that come flooding back from a few nights before, the sight of yeonjun's plush lips spurring them on, that sends a surge of bravery straight to taehyun's core. he takes a step forward, slow, careful. "i said, that isn't true. you're lying."

yeonjun's face flashes just for a second, so fast it's almost missed. his confidence wavers, lips turning down at the corners. he's a lot of things– talented, kind, pretty– but a good liar isn't one of them. once his facade cracks, it shatters. falls. cannot be rebuilt. he watches as yeonjun places the utensils on the counter, sees his fingernails dig marks into his palms. he's scared, perhaps even more than taehyun is.

"okay," he says, words laced with caution. "i'm lying. so what?"

taehyun takes another step forward. "you're having bad dreams recently too, aren't you?"

something in his eyes crumbles, trips, clatters to the ground. his shoulders fall, gaze turned glassy, and he nods once. taehyun has rarely seen him cry. the tears that glide down his cheeks feel like collateral for the way taehyun has been internally killing himself for  _ weeks  _ now. this, whatever it is, means something to the both of them. 

"i don't want you to hate me," he whispers, shirt sleeve coming up to scrub at his face. 

"hate you?" taehyun laughs, but it's humorless; dry as he shakes his head. "i could never hate you."

the pause that follows is weighty; a pressing space between them that taehyun isn't quite sure how to traverse. there are words stuck in his head, in the back of his throat, jammed right under his tongue, unable to escape. he feels his heart drop to the floor, feels the butterflies swoop into his stomach once more, home for the springtime. it's hard to breathe with yeonjun looking at him the way he is. there's desperation in his gaze that could not be missed even if one tried hard enough. he's still crying. taehyun hates seeing him sad.

and so he gathers whatever courage he has stored in the pit of his belly, makes fists out of it, and moves towards the older man until they're less than an arm's length apart. taehyun reaches out, fingers wrapping around yeonjun's wrist, and pulls at it until his hand is pressed open palmed right above his heart. yeojun's eyes widen just a little, tears stalling. taehyun knows he can feel how fast it's beating.

"see," the younger man flashes a fragile smile, "i'm scared too. it's okay." and then, words drawn out, he repeats, "i could never hate you, yeonjun."

this could be simple, he thinks. he feels it in the way that they touch. knows it in the way that their fingers link, right above taehyun's rapid heartbeat. it doesn't have to be scary. the bad dreams are only that; they don't reflect true feelings. don't measure up to the way yeonjun looks at him now, eyes shiny with unshed tears. because this is  _ them.  _ best friends for years, always supporting one another. this is something earth-shattering, something rare that taehyun refuses to let pass him. 

this is; yeonjun taking a step closer. permission, in a sense. this is; the older man's hands sliding down down down, palms pressing into the small of taehyun's back, urging him closer. this is; the oven's timer going off, signaling that it's reached preheat temperature. this is them ignoring it. this is taehyun's eyes falling shut so tight he sees flashes of fireworks behind his lids. this is yeonjun's mouth fitting against his again. and again.

when they kiss this time, it's different than the first. this kind of kiss is not laced with uncertainty on either end. this kind of kiss is a wildfire spewing from out and over the rim of the mason jar taehyun swallowed all those years ago, filled to the brim with every emotion, every memory, everything pertaining to yeonjun. it's feather light when one of yeonjun's hands come up to sweep through his hair, and then sharp as glass when he tangles strands round his long fingers. taehyun doesn't know what to do with himself, is just a breadth away from tipping over the edge. he grabs fistfuls of yeonjun's shirt and holds on so tight his knuckles turn white.

"i was scared to tell you," yeonjun breathes, pulling away just slightly to press chaste kisses to taehyun's lips, chest heaving as he blinks his eyes open. "i was so scared, but then you kissed me the other night, and i thought it made sense. but even still, i wasn't sure."

taehyun's head is spinning, and he can hardly find it in himself to listen with yeonjun's mouth right up against his, words murmured against his own lips. he surges forward, jerking the older man into another kiss that has his hands shaking so bad he gets the urge to hide them again.

"but i'm sure now," yeonjun says, pulling away against just a little, just enough to make taehyun let out a whine of frustration that bubbles up deep from the base of his throat. "taehyun, it's– i'm sure. and i'm not going anywhere."

taehyun blinks, forces himself to speak, though the words come out raspy and a bit breathless. "sure of what?"

yeonjun cups his face with gentle hands, thumbs grazing the cut of his jaw, and the dip of his cheekbones. "i'm sure of  _ this,"  _ he says, quiet, smile tugging at his lips. "sure that i can't stop thinking about you. sure that i'm in love with you."

taehyun freezes. inhales sharply. he watches as yeonjun's eyes flicker all over his face,  _ feels  _ the way his hands tighten just the slightest bit, cheeks squishing together. and it's then that he realizes that everything has come to a head; that his bad dreams, his fear of rejection, his long nights and even longer talks with the other members has led to  _ this  _ moment. and it's not scary anymore. it's easy.

so he says, "i'm in love with you too," and he means it with every fiber of his being. because this is the person who knows his coffee order by heart, this is the two of them staying late in the practice room to perfect new choreo, this is air kisses before bed, and now, hopefully, presumably, real kisses. this is his best friend. this is yeonjun and taehyun, taehyun and yeonjun. and what could be scary about that? he adds, "i love you. really, i love you. i'm not afraid anymore. i-"

his words are cut off with a kiss, and then another, and finally a third. their mouths drag together in a way that is so incredibly new, but feels all too familiar at the same time. yeonjun's hands snake into taehyun's hair, soft and sure, and he keeps him close like the world might burn should he ever let go. the slide of their lips is slick, just bordering desperate, and a breathy noise spills from taehyun's mouth before he can help it. yeonjun takes it in stride, is the type of person to just be able to do that, swallowing it down like sticky sweet wine that coats the lining of his throat.

they pull apart when the heat from the oven paired with the feverish kisses becomes too much. taehyun's starting to feel sweat prickle at the back of his neck, and he knows his face is red from the warmth, knows his cheeks are flushed. yeonjun lets him take a step back but twines their fingers together before he can get too far. he's smiling in a way that taehyun has never seen before, freeing and a little gentle, a little easy. an open book, pages left to be turned. 

taehyun smiles to match him. says, "we could finish making these cookies before bed."

"yeah," yeonjun nods. he pretends to think for a moment, bottom lip jut out in a pout, brows furrowed. "or, we could leave this mess here to clean up in the morning, and i could kiss you some more."

taehyun grins so wide it hurts his cheeks, happiness bubbling up in his chest. he nods, murmuring, "i think i like that idea better."

and it hits him then, how no one else's hands have ever felt quite the way that yeonjun's do against his skin. reminds him of an article he read forever ago about stars and how they pertained to the creation of people. it said for decades, scientists have insisted humans are made of stardust. and what's more is that it isn't just some cliche; it's  _ correct.  _ the article stated that people have around ninety-six percent of the same atoms as their galaxy, and that it's possible that two people could very well be derived of the same star. 

it rings true when yeonjun touches him, keeping his movements slow, thumb stroking soft against taehyun's hand. it's in the very way that he moves, the electric currents that singe the places where their skin meets, that taehyun finds explosive nebulae of all different colors. living proof that the earth took its time with them, that dying bits of a singular star reside in both of their hearts. 

and who is taehyun to challenge the tenacity of a multitude of galaxies that have existed since the beginning of time?

so he pulls yeonjun close so that their chests press together, kissing him again– earnest and  _ sure– _ and wills the universe to listen.

(and it does). 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this was meant to be really super short but ended up being like 8k words anyway?? even still, i rly hope u guys liked it!! come be friends with me on twitter<3  
> 
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/BE0MKAl)


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